Find the Scissors Yourself
Take one small step toward self-respect
In his 1841 lecture “Man the Reformer,” Ralph Waldo Emerson asked: “Can we not learn the lesson of self-help? Society is full of infirm people, who incessantly summon others to serve them.”
Emerson was not referring to the destitute, but rather to those who clamor for life’s luxuries even while producing little themselves.
By contrast, Emerson asked: “Can anything be so elegant as to have few wants and to serve them one’s self, so as to have somewhat left to give, instead of being always prompt to grab?”
Pursuing this ideal of “self-help” — Emerson actually coined the term in his lecture — does not require a personal crisis, addiction, or the heralding of some thunderous change in your life. In can begin, and in some regards must begin, in subtle and quietly self-determined ways.
I believe that lasting change often begins with the smallest and steadiest of steps. Today we begin that change — and it starts with the pursuit of domestic and workplace self-sufficiency.
I am a great admirer of a twentieth-century spiritual teacher named Vernon Howard (1918–1992).
I never met Vernon but I am influenced by his outlook and directness. Vernon made the observation that we automatically, and often by default, burden others with our needs, creating a cycle of unnecessary dependency that expands throughout our lives in matters small and large. This cycle also fosters resentment in others even if they never let on.
To break this cycle, Vernon said, start by doing small things for yourself.
For example, when you are at home instead of burdening someone else with a question about where a household object can be located — such as tape or scissors — take it upon yourself to fully search for the object, which can almost always be found. Only if a search has failed to turn it up should you ask another, “Do you know where the scissors are?”
You will be amazed at how rarely you even need to ask for help from another person, and thus place a needless claim on his or her time, if you take just one step further than you’re accustomed. Make it a practice.
Do you want to carry your own load through life or rely upon others to carry it?
Do not respond too quickly to that question. I’ve made huge mistakes in life because I liked the idea — however much I concealed it from myself at the time — of making someone else responsible for carrying my load in one way or another. We all do this.
But overly depending on others erodes your sense of self-respect as it also erodes your basic abilities and acumen. Starting today, make the effort to do as much for yourself as possible in small situations and you will see how this reverberates through larger and more consequential areas of life.
This does not mean that you will not need to ask for help.
But the ask should occur only after you’ve made every reasonable effort to unclog a toilet, locate a tool, install or remove an air conditioner, plaster a crack, or mount a picture. Even if you do so imperfectly (and you ought to see my sewing) you will have won a victory. And you will sense it. So will others, even if indirectly or subtly. In time, such actions will improve your relationships and enhance your self-respect.
Years ago I volunteered to perform ten days of trail maintenance on the Appalachian Mountains in New York State. The other volunteers and I dug drainage channels, blazed trees, cleared brush and branches, and set or reset natural boundaries. It was grueling labor in the mid-summer heat. I loved every minute of it and never slept better.
About halfway through the experience, however, one of the younger volunteers grew desultory. She began asking others — at mealtime, on the trail, during labor — to find things for her, hand things to her, and perform small tasks that were easily within her reach. Resentment began to simmer at her somewhat entitled attitude.
This occurs all the time in life: again, people rarely express it, but this dynamic contributes to below-the-surface resentment that prevails in many households and workplaces. The cycle can be easily broken by displaying self-sufficiency in small ways.
Vow today:
I will first make every effort to meet my own needs before requesting assistance from another; I will enlist another’s help only when matters of personal wellbeing or safety are involved or I have made every reasonable effort on my own.
Can a small change be revolutionary? Let’s find out. Today is about cultivating self-sufficiency.
This article is adapted from the author’s book The Miracle Month:
